There is a class of
books that are discarded from any library collection. We call them
weeds, or discards, and they are the result of surveying the collection
for out-of-date, out-of-favor, extraneous, or physically repellent
items. Before you get all indignant, be advised that without the
important deaccessioning of some materials there would be no room for
new materials. Furthermore, the practice pre-dated me by decades (at
least) so don't get militant on me.
A lot of libraries use these culled items for their annual used book sale. So you, the customer, benefit.
Our library system is
awash in donated books to resell and something like a coffee-stained
copy of a Danielle Steel book is beneath our customers' standards. So
our weeds go into big welded-wire bins which we, humble library gnomes,
are allowed to pilfer.
I sort
through them for old books in patterned buckram bindings and celebrity
cookbooks. I don't actually climb into the bins, but I have been known
to hang over the side in an unladylike manner. Sometimes I find a
happy surprise, like an out-of-print title I've been coveting. So what
if it has an ugly cover or writing in the margins?
This is how I came to possess a dog-eared copy of Ventriloquism Made Easy: How to Talk to Your Hand Without Looking Stupid! by Paul Stadelman and Bruce Fife
In case you've been
pondering whether you should quit your day job and start a career as an
entertainer, here are some professional development tips from a…
professional.
p. 6
Ventriloquism is enjoyable not only because it can be used for creating comedy but because it is mysterious.
p. 7
Ventriloquism
can be used not only to bring traditional ventriloquial figures and
puppets to life, but also unconventional objects such as paper bags,
gloves, even socks.
p. 18
For a novel twist, instead of using a lifeless figure that you make
look alive, use a living figure and make him look like a dummy.
p. 21
Why should magicians and clowns have all the fun? Ventriloquists can join in the excitement of balloon sculpturing and make talking balloon animals.
p. 25
I also recommend that, if possible, you take your book and your partner
into a private room for your practice session. You will learn faster
if no one sees you in the progressive stage. You are not yet ready to
perform.
p. 30
The simplest method for handling labials is to simply dodge them.
p. 36
The first hint it to put emphasis on the words without labials. For
example, in the sentence "I can play the guitar," if you emphazise
"guitar," slight variations in the word "play" ("tlay") will not be
noticed.
p. 39
To help you build an interesting character, you should give your puppet
preferences on subjects such as music, clothes, sports, friends, and
food.
p. 43
But don't make the mistake of jiggling the head continuously; it's distracting and will make your audiences nervous.
p 59
If you are interested in selling yourself as an expert ventriloquist,
the ability to smoke, drink, and eat while the figure is talking will
add to your reputation.
p. 62
You can use ready-made dialogues, but writing your own material is best.
p. 63
Joke #3
Farm Boy: My pop can't decide whether to get a new cow or a new tractor for his farm.
City Boy: He's certainly look silly riding around on a cow.
Farm Boy: Yeah, but he'd look a lot sillier milking a tractor!
p. 67
Just reading about ventriloquism won't make you a ventriloquist.
p. 84
Paul: You're at the foot of your class. Why don't you try to get to the head of the class?
Windy: Why? They teach the same things at both ends.
P: Your teacher said you spelled needle N-E-I-D-L-E.
W: That's right.
P: That's wrong. There is no "I" in needle.
W: Then how you going to thread it?
p. 91
You: Old MacDonald, it isn't me… I wasn't going to mention it, but you smell like a barnyard.
Old MacDonald: I just came from feeding the pigs.
Y: How long have you been raising pigs?
O: Forty-eight years/
Y: Seems like they'd be grown by now.
O: I said I'll tell the jokes, sonny!
Y: Do you have any other animals?
O: Yeah, I got a flock of cows.
Y: Not flock, herd.
O: Heard what?
Y: Herd of cows.
O: Well sure I've heard of cows… I said I had a whole flock of them!
p. 95
You: How does an alligator get here from Florida? Did you swim?
Gator: (Sarcastically) Did you swim? … No. I flew.
Y: Come on. Alligators can't fly.
G: Tell American Airlines that.
Y: You came on a plane?
G: No. I came IN a plane. They thought I was a suitcase.
(This book is a candidate for deaccessioning because it has been superceded by a 2nd edition, NOT because it is lame.)
*Not to worry, classic works of fiction will never be completely deaccessioned. It doesn't matter how many years Martin Chuzzlewit sits there without checking out, we will keep at least one copy because of it's noble provenance.
Sixbucks' Sad-Sack Hotel 